November 2009 update

wohoho, I am updating my blog for the people out there who do read it; at least I know there are two– teckwei and hwei ;p well my excuse for not constantly blogging is that i have too many convictions and thoughts; so many that I would have to blog 5 blogs each day. And they are constantly changing that they would give people the impression that I am so emo and unstable.. (which is true though).

ok a summary of updates..I was very depressed last year while I was in the states. cos I am so neurotic, pessimistic, and having so many negative emotions.. so for the things that people would see as good, I might see them as bad. And that was how I became so bitter, depressive and sad. Then I went back to Malaysia for 4 months ( and took alot of pics back with me). I was still bitter during the 4 months (although home was really good! :D) but during the last week, God delivered me and gave me peace and freedom to think positively, to be hopeful and have faith.

So I came back to America with the determination to seek God, be optimistic and only believe in truth from the Bible (e.g God loves me and won’t harm me; he will help me, my identity as His daughter etc). It went well for the first two months. I could see God everywhere and His love just overwhelmed me. He spoke to me alot and miracles happened everyday. That was the best time in life.

Then I got H1N1 in mid october. That was the busiest moment in my academic semester. But I could only lie in bed for the entire week. And my homeworks and tests piled up like a mountain. As soon as I recovered (not fully though), I took 5 tests and finished 12 homeworks in 10 days. It was really crazy and  everyday I slept at 5-ish in the morning. Also I had conflict with my housemate which made it extra difficult for me.

For most people sleeping 4-5 hours is sufficient, but for me I need 10 hours!!! :p (what to do? Inherit from my mom). Then God kinda slipped away from the scene. I think I am bitter again. It is hard to connect with God; but ya, he keeps reminds me that his promises never fail yesterday today and forever. And it doesn’t depend on my circumstances.

And then when I finally finished all the homeworks that I owed to the instructors on Wednesday 7am, now I am having fever again (friday). And i just think this is ridiculous, and once again I am emotional and down.

I really feel like giving up and withdraw from the classes and go back to Malaysia. I also feel like just dropping my Psychology degree and just go with my Industrial engineering degree. But I know that God doesn’t want me to be one who gives up easily just because of the circumstances. If not for him, I can’t go through the valleys; when I don’t feel him, it is seriously hard too.

I have been learning alot about my own personality and how it is important to have a positive mindset in my psyshoclogy classes; and they really help me to put things in perspective alot of the time. And I am thankful for that. But it is just not so easy to have a paradigm shift from a  negative mindset to a positive one in a short time.

My friend tells me that I should go out and experience life in the uni. But I am really curious; I have so many things to do in my school now. I am not even talking about being diligent and studying and preparing ahead of time; I am occupied merely by finishing the homeworks everyday. So should I go out and experience life, and can’t turn in my homeworks in time and get C- or D for everything; or should I turn in all homework in time, have some uni life, and get a B- in my subjects? It is really a scale hard to balance up. I am really curious though. If I have the choice, I wouldn’t be in college of engineering in Umich and end up with no life. But i guess God has called me to be here.

God has also been speaking to me about being contented in all situations.

11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.– philipians 4:11-13
When I am tired, I don’t look forward to sleep and can’t function. when I am in the valley I should also be contented in God. I just feel that if I want to be used mightily by God in the future, and if my backbone is so weak and I can’t even go through these little trials, how can I be used by him to fight battles? I need to be strong. I want to be strong, in him. It is really tough. So i should not seek out the comfort of life so much– sleep, good food, good place to stay, shopping, etc etc. God’s presence should be my stay and only reward.

Oh ya, forget to mention that God gave me a new name. Me and my friends were just talking about I should get a name that means love; cos I constantly need God to tell me how much he loves me. And then we came out with cinta, sayang, amour that are related to love but quite lame. My mom told me before that in the night the name Amy came to her after i asked her to pray about it. But i immediately discarded it. Cos i think Amy is really lame and old fashioned. and common too. Like ali and abu. Then I checked the dictionary. Duh amy- amour= love. And God did confirmed many times again that he just wanted Amy as my name– not Amee, Amie, or other names that mean love. So ya, here I go.. Amy Hwee Lin Tan (don’t laugh ok)

Yea. That’s about it. I really need some mercy and grace.

the theme of the day

After struggling with God for like 8 pages in my spiritual journal, I feel like the theme of the day is just to receive freely, and give freely. When people give me, I should receive in the full amount (not always thinking about how to return, or paiseh to accept). And because I have freely received, I shall freely give.

-Receive my test grade as GOOD from the Lord, regardless of the score; and continue to work hard for everything.

-Receive my housemate’s good treatment and care for me; and freely accept her as who she is.

-Receive (accept) the way God has created me (cos it is good), and freely be who I am. Of course; and freely receive (accept) others as good.

It is so funny how obvious God is telling me something; about being optimistic, and how I don’t really get it. I am even takin  positive psychology and personality psychology classes! Yet if after understanding my personality as such and such, and whine to God about how He has created me and not learn from it; then I’ll just be more miserable than before. Don’t I see that God is sending me to so many classes to learn about something that is far more important than scoring in those tests?

And I shall say, they are GOOD for me. GOOD gifts for me; and so freely I shall RECEIVE them.

God spoke

The more I realised how bad and weak I am, the more i understand God’s grace and mercy. I used to confidently think that I am closed to God because I am so committed to be a christian. Any relationship needs commitment; so because I was willing to walk extra miles, and conduct many religious disciplines such as reading bible and praying everyday, I am a better christian. But this is so wrong. Life in America humbles me alot. I couldn’t be committed as I wanted. Giving God my time, money and energy was too hard, as much as I wanted to do. And because I failed to do so, I thought that God must have abandoned me, this unfaithful christian. This is the time when I can also learn to look to Jesus; to just trust with my heart that I can stand before God righteous JUST because of Jesus’ death on the cross for me. And not because of my commitment to Him whatsoever. Thank God. Else I will sometimes be a “good” christian, and sometimes a “bad” one.

God also spoke to me Psalms 103:11,12

11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

12 He has removed our rebellious acts as far away from us as the east is from the west.

That now I can stand before him righteous and holy. I was also quite frustrated by many “bad” things that happened to my christian friends. But God spoken to me yet again that He has the best plan for us. And he is sovereign. He can do whatever he wishes, and we have no right to question him. Plus, we humans wouldn’t understand his plans. I shall be tougher to face challenges in life again!

Learning to appreciate

I used to think that I am a very righteous christian. And I thought that because I am so serious with God, therefore He loved me and noticed me. But since I went to America, I became slack in my spiritual discipline (reading bible, praying and worhsipping God). I started to feel that I wasn’t worthy to be a christian, and I always felt that I fall short of being one. Then I started understanding the love and grace of God. That God loved me not because I practice good religion. That despite of who I am and what I do, He loves me because this is just the way He is. He is love. He is gracious. And I will always fall short of his glory, if not for his grace in my life.

I appreciate God’s love and grace now.

Because no one cook for me in America. No one automatically gives me pocket money and pays for my bill like my mom does, I appreciate more of what my family does for me when I am back home in Malaysia. I appreciate the things that my family does for me, which I would have so taken for granted before. Appreciate malaysia’s food, hostorical places, the privileges from the government (such as paying RM 1 to consult a doctor in the general hospital), etc.

I appreciate my home and my country.

People always wonder why I have to take so many pictures of the food in Malaysia. Because I have learnt to appreciate them. LOL i will stare at them very hard when I go back to America. And all those pictures of friends i have taken. Those are like my allotter from battles. I am proud of the friends I have. And I believe in investment in the lives of people.

I appreciate my friends

My trip in Malaysia

very touched when many of my friends celebrated my 21st birthday with me. We went to eat Japanese food, which I think would be quite a burden to my friends’ wallet, then I had a secret recipe cake ;D Then we continued our yumcha session in Kota Laksamana.. At night, I had a party aka family gathering at my place… We had food like satay and rendang. Very yummy.. and it was really a great time hanging around with my family members! It was like having reunion dinner; I have missed chinese reunion dinner for 2 years consecutive, and will be this way for the next 2 years at least. And I am grateful for this chance of reunion. My aunt from singapore came back all the way to celebrate my birthday.

And that is why the second day I followed her back to Singapore ;to spend more time with her, since she came all the way for me ;p I had a great 10 days in Singapore although I practically stay at home and sleep the whole day. The reason that I enjoy being that I felt loved like a princess in Singapore =D My aunt and my fren Justin took care of me like I was 10 years old– and this is something that you probably won’t experience when you live independently out there without your family with you.. I feel satisfied being loved by them, and eventhough I need to go back to America and be independent again, I know I will do better this time because I know there are my family members who love me unconditionally.

After coming back from singapore, I was in Melaka for a day, when my American friend Tyler visited me. Me and my friend Waikhong brought him around to experience Malacca. OKay this is a rare case, but there is actually someone who doesn’t know how to drive beside me (sorry waikhong). So I had to drive this time! Because of Tyler, I finally took my car to a complete repairing session. We brought him to the malls, the historical places, the ship musuem, melaka river cruise, taming sari tower, taiwan pork rib mee, jonker geographer, chendol, laksa and capitol satay celup! Thanks to Tyler, I experienced many things for the first time (such as capitol satay celup, shamefully confessing that this is the first time!)

Then the same day itself, I traveled to Nilai to visit my friend Jason, who injured himseld while being in USA.  I had a great time with him and his family, who took care of me very well. The dad even let me sleep in his room! I like the dog Sherry too. And i learnt gardening and ironing in her house too ;p I spent two nights at my best primary school mate, Sinlan’s place. It was a wonderful experience to spend time with people, a very comfortable and satisfied feeling. I like my friend Sin Lan!

Next, my friend raymond came all the way from Subang to pick me up (Yes don jealous I have superb friends).. And I went shopping in Sunway Pyramind. Dengan susah payah raymond pujuked me to ice skate with him but to no success. I seirously have great friends who never berkira-kira with me. They spend time money and effort on me like I m their own family member; this let me have a new understanding of the relationships I have around me. Also, it taught me to also love others in a more selfess way! after dinner, I went to visit my cousin, who is studying law in UM. I had a wonderful time with her and her housemates, all law student in their 2nd year. I hope that they will be great people one day.

It is overall a very nice trip indeed! it is about spending time with people and investing in their lives. And also to know about how much I am loved by the  people who cared about me. =) oh ya, i randomly bum into liau keen yee, my seremban friend studying in USA with me, in subang. See what a coincident!

the theory of love.

sternberg triangular theory of love; that love is consist of 3 components: passion, intimacy and commitment. I am askign God that I don’t want just commitment in my relaitonship with him. I want intimacy and commitment too. So that when I tell people about how God loves them, I will know for myself that yes, God loves me too.

be still

I am a total disaster. But..

²³ This is what the Lord says:
   “Don’t let the wise boast in their wisdom,
      or the powerful boast in their power,
      or the rich boast in their riches.
   ²⁴ But those who wish to boast
      should boast in this alone:
   that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord
      who demonstrates unfailing love
      and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth,
   and that I delight in these things.
      I, the Lord, have spoken!

jeremiah 9

Know his power, in quietness and trust.

end of chapter 2008

ohhhhh~ guess what.. Today I am done with this semester! wooohooooo!!!! ^^ Hmmm… just a few more days and it will be my one year anniversary in USA.. Time flies, people change, things have changed too. It has been a nostalgic year for me.

Today i managed to “meet up” with my ex god brother collin.. He was absent from my life for about 6 years.. and I could only say meeting up again with him really brings back lots and lots of memories, even almost tears in my eyes.

This year has been relatively much harder for me. I used to wonder why have adults so many problems, and why are they always troubled by so many things of this world. They should just chill and be like us kids, relax and enjoy life. But I think I’ve grown up as well, cause i am starting to worry a lot about stuff that only adults would; like where to live, where to get money, food and stuff…

Life for me is like a pilgrimage. I feel like I am not done yet, this is not where I belonged; therefore the things that I do, I do because of obligation. for example, I go to school, do church stuff, go to meetings, because i have to not because i wanted to. I guess i refused to live in the present. it is too harsh. I always look back to the pass, and keep reminisce on the “good” things when i was in high school and stuff.

back to the ex brother Collin, meeting him once again remind me that I have to wake up from my dream. I know that he is not the collin I used to call brother anymore. He has his own life now, and it is without me. No matter what I do; telling him how was our pass and stuff, it just won’t work out. That’s because those are PASS, it won’t happen again. I won’t be THAT “spiritual”, THAT “smart”, THAT “slim”, THAT “popular” or whatever again. Thinking about how i used to be “good” won’t bring me anywhere. I need to live in the present. (oh ya in psychology we call living in the present and enjoying it as “mindfulness” ^^).

Yea, it’s time to go home, and realise that my home isn’t the same anymore as well. I have been imagining how good it is to be home; definitely with good food, good sleep, good shopping, good time with famlay and stuff.. But i really need to go home, so that i will realise that it is not as perfect as I’ve imagined. So that after doing that, I would wake up and really start living my life in US.

I am currently thinking of

raymond sim, adric ang, zhengling, philip, wei qi, sunquan, mommi, collin, sengmeng, tsehwei, teshuen, joanne, mp, dataran, cendol, aunt corina, church piano, popo, papa, grace, joey, aunt nancy, uncle william, aunt waipeng, roy, sarah shin, tina, joy, mao, eeyong, chuin pei, kahyong, teckwei, elsen, sebastian, kienleong, TAMC, HMCC, MGC, chinese calvary church, john, soocheng, mamak stall, roti canai, cendol, my house at tmn asean, kpg 8, pasar malam, facial, cut hair, o chien, satay celup, sufes, dim sum, shah alam, my maid (donno her name =.=), alan, kelvin, tony..

and none of them is still the same.. they moved on in life. Even the o chien moved on in life.

I need to move on as well.

it’s gonna be 2009 soon.

very soon

MOVING ON.

Sweet.

Recently I became so obsessed with food (though i am always so obsessed) that I am always too full, have stomachache, can’t move cos my stomach too heavy with food, and.. you know.. my thoughts are so consumed with food (and of course, as the food here is so expensive, money comes along with the thought of eating) that the things that I am really pretty much thinking of the whole day is food.

But i realised that I don’t really enjoy the moment when I am eating. I craved alot of a particular food before i eat it. And I realised that it’s because food can’t satisfy me. That’s why i craved more.

And i also realized that, the material things in this world couldn’t satisfy my soul. They are sweet, like food. Like starbucks caramel frappucino, orange chicken lunch combo, or oreo bubble tea, or japanese food… they don’t satisfy my soul.

They give me stomachache!!

God is the only one

that can satisfy

my soul.

“the kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Matthew 13:44″

I am glad that Jesus finds me like a treasure, and when he found me, he is so joyful because I am precious to him. He sold all he had and redeemed the world, and redeemed me from my failures and hopelessness.. I am so precious to him, I hope God is precious to me as well.

Identity crisis

I am faced with a lot of challenges that provokes identity crises in me since i came to the US just because of a simple fact: I have always based my identity on something that is impermanence.

okay last time if you ask me to describe myself, i would say maybe:-

-I have good results

-I am slim and pretty

-my whole family is good looking (of cuz this includes my extended family: Hwei, shuen, shaun, ken etc.)

-my economy is quite okay

-I am a faithful servant of God (served in every capacity and faithful in every way)

AND so on..

But now I have identity crisis because ALL THESE SHALL PASS…

“Heaven and earth will pass away, but my Words will by no means pass away- matthew 24:35″

I find that:-

-I have the worst results among the bests (JPA scholars and other bright minds in Umich)

-okay, I am fat now (freshman 15, sad case..) U know when all the fat is on ur face it just covers my beautiful face features

-my whole family is still good looking ^^

-my economy went really terrible when I faced with some difficulties here. And i become much poorer after converting the currency T.T… plus, plus, I once boldly declared that I WILL NOT take even a cent from my mom when I come to US.. T.T, T.T , T.T…..

- I am not a faithful servant of God now! I often failed! The things that I despised others doing (being late, not committing to church work, absent..etc), i find myself doingalot!

so?

Who I am now?

the only secure identity

.

.

.

.

I am a child of God!

this is the only identity that wouldn’t change forever!

he takes me as I am! no matter I am faithful, slim, pretty, having good results, rich, or not..

my identity wouldn’t change even all these pass away.

warrior princess of God,

Hwee Lin